It's raining again tonight. Looks like it's going to go on like this.
Which is bad, because it means my laundry won't dry within a night anymore.
Been going out a lot with my Mom lately.
I like going out with her, because she's funny. We can talk at ease, about almost anything-- I can even talk about
Sakurai's hot body or Nino's lovable screeches,
or why she thinks that Matsujun never looks bad,
and why Ohno is so cute while Aiba's giggle is contagious,
or about dogs and jellyfishes, about crochet and
the games I'm playing on my DS
-- almost anything.
I love my mom.
Two days ago she caught a cold; hopefully she'd get better soon.
I'm feeling rather lonely lately. Well, I do feel so every once in a while.
At times like those, I often try to
tone it down, so it wouldn't be very intense or pushing.
Sometimes quietly, sometimes not- which may lead to impromptu soliloquy with my bedroom walls.
They talk back when they feel like it.
I like talking to myself.
I like talking to my pillows, to my DS, to my blanket, to the photographs stuck with papertapes on my bedroom wall, to the ceiling.
And I listen to their responses very well.
I do listen, and I do relate.
I'm trying my best in doing so. Because mostly human beings can't.
I can relate to the air around you, what you feel, what you unconsciously need.
Everybody can do that, actually.
Just listen- you'll see.
My language skills are deteriorating, I believe. Lately I don't use them much.
I have this love/hate relationship with language. I am very intrigued by it; so vague yet so powerful, and in spite of that
I hate using it--because it twists, it manipulates, it provokes.
Sure it can be good, but most of the times, the result ends in things like
inability to listen
or, in other words,
I don't want to be blinded. I don't want to blind anyone either.
That's why I feel rather than speak, and I touch rather than advise.
(Many finds that awkward; many hates that too: they flinch against my touch because they misinterpret it.
Touch is definitely the best language.)
I can't focus on only one thing.
I like many things, and I want to know many things, and I am interested in many things.
To some it may be considered as inconsistency.
Well, that's true- I am
on a flux, though sometimes irregular,
moving in flashes of light
and sometimes calm and steady as a forest.
Like tidal wave.
I love many things, too.
You, for example. You who are reading this.
I'm not kidding.
I love easily, and I do love incessantly once I am in it. Even though you are a total stranger, an animal, a leaf,
But you see, I'm bad at expressing myself with words. It's really, really difficult.
Oh I wish I were eloquent. !
So if I could,
I would give you total strangers hugs and maybe kisses,
'cause I love you. I love you like that.
I wish I could kiss my own lips.
Or of course, have someone else do it
But that doesn't happen very often, too.
Perhaps I'm not pretty enough to deserve someone else's feelings?
Or perhaps I'm not kind enough to deserve someone else's touch?
What could measure them? Society?
Who knows, baby, who knows.
I care about a lot of things. About you and him and her and me.
I do care about myself, too. That's only natural.
I want to hear what people think of me,
what part of my outfit looks good today,
what they like about me,
and why they put up with me.
why don't they say anything,
do they listen to me speaking in whispers,
or do they listen to me at all.
Sometimes I need someone to love me incessantly, too.
Someone to stand by me, to hug me with no apparent reason,
to ensure me that I am still wanted somehow.
I feel alienated, most of the time.
But I try to commune, to unleash myself--
perhaps I'm running too fast, or creeping too slow, or mutter too softly.
I don't know.
But I know sometimes I want attention.
One day, far from today
will you still remember me?
Because I won't forget you. Even though you're a stranger. Even though we've never met before. Even though we only communicate by the computer screen.
It's a promise.
Watching: Tengoku de Kimi ni Aetara
Playing: Dragon Quest IV
Drinking: Instant coffee